I Don't Want to End up Simply Having Visited this World

What am I doing here?

I don't know I guess. I am currently searching for a spark. 

I used to blog a lot. All through college and my twenties. It felt like some part of me, writing. Something I considered myself good at, or at least passionate about. One thing can lead to the other. 

Now, I haven't delved into that part of me in a long while. I haven't tried expressing myself in any long form or for no reason at all, like I did when I was blogging. It was always for the fun of it and most of all for me. 

Here in the thick of adulthood I've started to miss that young person who documented their life for no other reason than it felt good- it felt creative and special-even if it was for an audience of none. I feel very close to that young version of myself and yet, so far. It's like I graduated from that part of my life and now find myself being sent back to repeat it all over again.

Let me explain: funnily enough my life now feels somewhat similar to how to did when I was in college or my twenties. I am finally settled and life has gotten to a place where I have all the time I did when I was a young person without responsibilities. Of course I have responsibilities now but I'm pretty free. It feels like the struggle is over and now I'm enjoying the fruits of that labour. Once I had free time because I worked part time at the mall and went to school three days a week, now I have free time because I only need to take care of myself and my home, a surprisingly easy task when it's only inhabited by two adults and a cat. I feel that safety again- like everything is going to be okay- like when you only had to take care of yourself and everyone would take care of the rest. 

My friends are having kids and their time is being taken up with that and we've chosen not to go down that path- we chose it for this reason exactly: freedom. But that freedom is turning out to be trickier than I thought it would. Now I'm very free and have landed on the other side of all the effort to get here and I'm looking around like "now what?"

In the last few years routine has set in and I feel like I can't distinguish one day from the next. I can't remember the one and only life I'm going to get. Instead I'm stumped for what to do so I do nothing and that's what there is to remember.

I want to take this life that I deliberately chose and planned for and actually experience it. I want to try new things and learn and fill my life with joy instead of this overwhelming feeling of boredom that has settled around me. I have so much opportunity to do all the things I ever wanted to and for some reason I talk myself out of them. That's the spark I'm searching for.

I want to be scared and creative and inspired and uncomfortable and excited and alive. Instead of dull, bored, uninspired, dead. 

The idea of a blog fluttered into my mind and I caught hold of it. I want to talk about these things and everything else. Things that make me happy. Things I want to do. Things I'm trying. Things that make me feel something. 

"When it's over, I want to say:
all my life I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened, or full or argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world."

- When Death Comes by Mary Oliver